A strange hand is crawling under my top from behind.
The hand keeps crawling.
I am breathing heavily.
It’s getting too scary.
I want to scream..
I want to run..
I want to do something!
There are too many hands now.
Too many to run away from.
It’s too dark in here.
There are no faces.
All under me.
I am crying.
I am aching everywhere.
I have a splitting headache.
I feel as if my body was aimed with a thousand spears.
I am bleeding.
Hands still trying to tear my flesh apart.
I suddenly wake up!
It’s 1 pm.
I realise I had dozed off with my book in my lap.
Just before this, I remember I had been reading. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Galaxy by Douglas Adams, I was enjoying but what had suddenly happened?
Why am I sweating now!
Why is my every body part aching as if I am going to die!
Why are there tears on my neck and lips and cheeks and eyes!
And this is when I realise I was awakened by another sweating nightmare.
Or was it a daymare?
This has just happened and this has been happening every day for little over a month now.
Sexual Abuse. Child Abuse. Physical Abuse. Domestic Violence. Neglect. Psychological Abuse.
Those are just a few words.
A few words that define most of my life.
A few words that also probably tell why I am having nightmares and can’t live in peace even for a second.
They also explain why I can’t think of letting my body be touched by anyone, not even by a lover.
They also explain why I can’t watch a movie with violence in it.
Why I can not see someone in pain.
Why my demons are so powerful to defeat.
Why my life is such a wreck.
Why I am struggling to stay alive.
Why looking at the sea at night time gave me a panic attack a week ago.
Why I can’t fall asleep without a sleeping pill.
There are many whys with noone to answer any of them!
There is my therapist, my pain specialists, my care givers, my own will to survive but all of us together feel so weak in comparison to what lies on the other side of the battle.
If only I could make my heart and soul forget all of it.
If only I could erase it and begin my life all over again.
If only I could.
Their is no way to erase past trauma yet and that’s why perhaps I am here to tell you something today.
To tell you that I am not sure if I will survive the tides of emotional and physical pain I am suffering from.
To tell you that I wake up and go to bed crying.
To tell you that I eat once a day just to survive and I feel like throwing up after every time I’ve eaten.
To tell you that I have been diagnosed with severe mental health disorders.
To tell you that 5 years ago, I was a brave, beautiful, young girl with no sign of sadness on her face.
To tell you that life for some is a pain, the pain of invisible kind.
To tell you that every night and every day when I sweat and cry and ache with noone around. I ask my heart and body to help me survive just this one time.
That when my body aches like it will die, I persuade it to help me live just this one time.
That if I survive and if I defeat all my demons, I will not keep mum and I will educate the whole world to practice kindness, compassion, unconditional love, support and consent.
And if I don’t. I want the world to know that I fought and fought real brave at that.
I want the world to read and remember Sylvia Plath.
I want the world to forever remember that some of us are dying;
Even while putting up a smiling face for you to help in believing what you want to believe.
I want the world to know that one rude statement, one incident of your being judgemental, one act of bullying, one act of touching someone without their consent goes a long way!
So long that it can make their life a living hell.
So long that they end up taking their lives away, to end their pain.
So long that it can never be reversed and be made normal again.
I am suffering and so are many people out there.
I indeed woke up after a horrible episode of abnormal dreaming and sweating today.
I indeed am struggling with suicidal thoughts.
I indeed feel so close to giving up.
But the good news is, I am not going to give up, not so soon.
Tomorrow I am going to start on a journey to heal myself or so I suppose.
To sit with my doctors and unfold all the hurt and pain that’s made home inside me.
My primary doctor, a neurologist at NIMHANS says she knows it’s a very difficult and hurtful process but if I don’t do it, the demons inside will keep getting stronger.
I am not in touch with my family because they think I am too much to believe.
I don’t know what they think but I do know that if I don’t stand up for myself now, I won’t have many days ahead of me.
It’s the pit of darkness in here but I am trying.
Trying every last bit to learn how to live with pain.
There is too much pain already you beautiful people, let’s try and love each other for what they are.
Let’s not rape each other with genitals or with the words that we mouth!
Let’s not push people like me to the edge and when after they have taken their lives, sit and wonder which affair or boy or girl it must’ve been that led them to die.
Because the truth my people is that we, are that affair.
We are that boy and girl who are causing pain to someone every second of our lives, oblivious of what we are doing.
Let’s be there for one another.
Let’s save another brave and beautiful Aditi from becoming a sad and suicidal one who’s going to sit in a mental hospital for years from now and learn to live with pain.
Let’s not do that.
Life is hard, very hard people.
And the worst truth is that we are a part of the problem and we don’t want to accept that.
Let’s just love, okay?
Strength and Love 💙
I am crying while writing this.
I was crying when I woke up.
I am going to sit and cry in all the therapy sessions to come.
I have already said what I had to say, to know or say something further, you can DM me on Calm Insights or just comment below.
Buy me a coffee from the yellow button down below, this time to support my medical expenses.
See you soon!