God, I wanna die!

You heard me right, I feel suicidal today.

Not that it’s the first time I feel this way. I have felt and resisted the urge many times since the start of my life being a patient.

Everytime it hurts so much more than the last one. 😣

It’s about 14° C here and my body is burning with high fever, body swollen, especially my face.

Vision feels dim, I can’t talk without my throat hurting, when I try to get up and walk, my body below waist feels like it’s hanging there ready to cut itself apart!

It’s not easy having to suffer every second of your life after having lost pretty much everything you earned for yourself over time.

Mourning for the dead me who used to be independent, amazing, full of energy and enthusiasm always is in itself a tough fight, added to which having to be dependent on someone all the time for food, comfort and other necessities hurts too.

Failing to sit in classes or give exams because of my chronic pain disease, I had to come home a month ago.

Not that I have dropped out of it, how could I?

Getting admission into a top engineering college while being a GENERAL Category student isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, I did it and I did it in one go, who would want to give it up?

It’s been 6 years, me trying to complete college in a hope that I can; totally denying the fact that my pain symptoms have been progressive and they show no sign of reversal no matter what I do.

Maybe I am stupid, hoping to get back to college and build a career with a disease as cruel as this.

I have had a tough time making my family come in terms with the disease and accept that it’s not my laziness but a real disease which causes pain in entire body for every second of my life.

I had to fight so much more because it’s an invisible illness and more so because doctors still aren’t clear about the cause and cure of it.

So, the most simple thing for them to do is to say, “It’s all in your head”.

A couple days ago, my mom had to go to a relative’s house for a few days, and that meant I was supposed to run a few errands like cooking, cleaning the house etc.

I thought let’s do it, so despite being in pain I made my mind to do things forcefully.

After working for entire day, I was tired in the end, fatigue and pain in bedtime causes insomnia. I couldn’t sleep all night, had to get up in the morning and make breakfast for my brother and father.

One more day of that and I woke today feeling like being so close to death, I wasn’t able to speak anything, I was feeling pain in eyes, chest, legs, toes, hands and my head was pounding heavily in pain.

I knew I am down, it was an indication of my body that I shouldn’t have worked that much.

Overdoing leads to over-suffering in my case and that’s pretty much what happened.

I was in bed sobbing in pain, couldn’t eat a bite of anything.

And then comes my brother, trying to tell/convince me that I just complaint way too much, I should walk more, leave the bed, stop thinking and start living.

In a nutshell, he too meant, “It’s all in my head.”

After which it all came rushing towards me, I tried to tell him I really can’t do anything today because I am in immense pain, but tears had already started forming in my eyes.

Crying and fever and pain and loneliness not a very good combination, believe it or not I was praying with folded hands for God to kill me and take my life away, that very moment.

I am somehow nearing the end of light and life in my heart.

With regular messages pouring in my social media accounts of random fibromyalgia patients, telling they had to leave job despite being an IIM graduate or they want to kill themselves because of the endless pain.

At young age with a promising career, fibromyalgia makes the patients lose almost everything and force them to live with a disabled body.

I have done my research, undergone whatever little treatment they say they have but failing to get better and seeing my health deteriorating day by day leaves me with no hope.

Constant rants by people telling if I could just exercise more, or if I could just forget it and restart my life, is so disheartening.

The only thing I keep asking myself after having worked hard to reach a certain place and then seeing it all come crashing down just because of an unknown incurable cruel chronic disease is,

“What did I do to deserve this big a punishment in life?”

I have no answer, no hopes alive.

If God really does exist, why is it that the world is so unjust for a few like me?

I hope nothing, I ask for no sympathies, this blog was just a reminder to me and you about the ugly truths of life.

I am not leaving a positive end today because I am crying right now, I hope that’s okay!

Footnote

Thank you for hearing me out, when I was writing this I had to throw the device away several times to gasp in air, toss and turn in bed and wipe my tears to make the letters appear clear.

I even thought of giving up writing this, it felt like I was just putting the dark side of my life to public while the whole world is trying to show how happy they are, but then I felt it’s okay and perhaps it’s important that I let this story of mine out;

Because it’s not just my voice but of hundreds of others who are suffering in silence and about whom the world knows nothing.

I request to each one of you to be a little more gentle to each other.

You never know who is going through what in their life.

And even if you ask it’s hard to understand other people’s struggles, so just be kind and carry on with your life.

You can “Buy me a coffee” through the yellow button down below to support my writings.

Wish you all the Strength and Love in the world. 🤗

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