I was waiting at a very busy bus stand in Bangalore, after my session in the hospital, before the bus pulled in;
An empty seat in the bus, I hurried myself to grab that place before anyone else could.
I leaned myself back on the seat, closed my eyes, let out a sigh of relief before the conductor started yelling at the top of his voice;
“Where would you like to go madam?”, He asked in a state of hurry.
I gave it some thought before answering.
I had no idea why I was heading where I was heading.
I took the change and the ticket, threw them both on the side pocket of my brown sling bag and plugged my earphones in.
‘A sky full of stars’, that’s what I had been listening to during my entire commute, never getting bored of it apparently.
I released my left forefinger that I had been using till then as a bookmark.
The book was almost about to get over. Gerry was out on a tour with his peculiar family, with Roger sitting by his side. He was munching on some snacks, taking in the summer sun while mulling over the beautiful flora and fauna that Cofru inhabited.
I shook my head, closed the book again with my forefinger and looked out of the window.
The bus was now riding past Agara Lake. Slow and steady, thanks to Bangalore traffic. I could feel the cool breeze carassing my face, the chorus sound of birds chirping and the beautiful view of shiny stagnant water in the lake.
The view was extremely beautiful, I thought of taking my phone out to record a video and post in the stories of Calm Insights’ Insta Account, but I couldn’t do it.
Probably because I felt very drained or because I actually was drained, who could tell?
To tell you the truth, I somehow was not able to enjoy anything lately.
Reading, music, people, doctors, professor, eating, walking, life….
Nothing at all.
I feel I don’t belong in this world anymore. I feel I am losing the real me, the old confident and happy me with each passing day.
“But why does it matter, what I really think?”, I thought to myself.
Almost at this very moment, I saw something very common yet very very strange.
There were people in their jogging pants bearing the determination of a soldier, women with their hair tied back firmly, doing their slow jogging around the circumference of the lake. While jogging, they had their earphones on;
Ignorant of the lake, the older people sitting on the benches, the children, the birds, the beautiful water waves and most of all, me, a distant figure sitting in a bus looking out at them, from that tiny window.
I suddenly had a startling realisation.
1. That I am showing signs of depression.
2. Life is hard and unfair.
3. People don’t understand me. They never can.
4. I don’t want to live, still here I am struggling my way through each day to live one more day, in a hope of a better future, a better life, life without having to crawl my way though work and home in devastating amount of pain.
5. And most important, everyone out there, more or less is struggling.
Depressed, heartbroken and trying their way hard to collect the broken pieces together and survive in the fast paced, robotic life that we are expected to live.
It’s definitely unfair, insane lifestyle that we are all living, but it’s what it is. I thought.
Living in the same city, going to the same restaurants, working at the same place, been brought up in the same setup;
Yet, our lives differ so much.
To an extent that we feel we don’t belong there anymore. We feel no one understands us, not even the closest of people out there!
Despite everything else being the same, we are all very different people, because we have all experienced different kinds of joy and have had to struggle with different kinds of pain in our lives.
Mute, fearful, nervous, yet we are all going on because what option do we have?
I don’t know for I am but a small little creature in the infinite universe. I know nothing, I wish to know nothing.
Pulling our shit together, struggling through each day in order to live a good life is what most of us are doing.
None of us is spared the opportunity to live a life without sorrow, tragedy and illness.
One of those terrible illnesses is depression.
That’s why people, I believe you are doing great.
I know they say you are weird, they back bitch on you, they don’t like your fashion style, or your sleep pattern, they judge you for having done whatever you have done without knowing why!
To you especially, I want to tell that living an independent life, a life where you are not asking people’s favor is not easy, I know what it takes to be there.
I know that it’s better than being depressed. I know it’s better than lying in the bed, curled up, your face stained with tears, your head full of comments that have only succeeded in belittling you.
I know it’s better than wanting to die every moment.
You are doing what best you can do in your condition.
I don’t know what others think but I know how strong and beautiful you are. I am secretly very proud of each one of you.
People who had their earphones plugged in on Agara Lake or those who sit by themselves in public gatherings.
People who wear short dresses.
People who can’t stop talking too much.
People who are always dating and never in a permanent relationship.
And all the other people in the world.
I am not going to judge you because I don’t know what you have endured to be where you are today.
And carry on living, you beautiful people!
Strength and Love 💕💕
This post was a mere attempt to put forth my learnings of life in whatever simple way I can.
I urge you to share what you felt while reading this in the comments section below.
If you want to, you can support my work by buying me coffees through the yellow button down below.
And in case if any bibliophile here is wondering, the book that I was reading, the one that I have talked about in the blog was, My family & other animals by Gerald Durell.
Thank you people. 😊
Have a warm and beautiful day ahead.