“Life can sometimes feel like an overproduced song, with a cacophony of a hundred instruments playing all at once. Sometimes the song sounds better stripped back to just a guitar and a voice. Sometimes when a song has too much happening, it’s hard to hear the song at all.”
~ Matt Haig
As I am writing this, my body is experiencing high fever. I have swollen eyes, weakness in limbs, a feeling of pins and needles in my body, migraine, muscle pain, joint pain, twitching, tinnitus and tenderness to say the least.
No need to worry, though. I am fine, its just my body that isn’t in sync with my mind. I suffer from a rare, invisible, incurable chronic illness that makes me feel all of that without any apparent reason.
The clock’s been ticking. It’s nearly 1 am, half the world is asleep, the other half is busy minding its business.
Curled up in my blanket, I observe that it’s dark and cold in here. I want to move a bit and sit upright but I feel paralyzed in the unbearable pain starting from my head to toe. I can’t help but feel the misery!
The misery that I am surrounded with because of something that isn’t my fault.
The misery that secretly crept in my life, uninvited, one fine evening, five years ago.
The misery that turned my whole life, upside down.
What’s more is that this misery had come determined to never leave me alone, ever.
I was 19 then, when it all started. Armed with the rank holder’s badge, medals & certificates and a seat in one of the best colleges possible, I seemed ready to conquer the world!
But what lied ahead of me was a tornado that was to engulf every bit of me.
After years of battling the storm, I stood at the same point, robbed of everything that I once cared for, my best friends, family, career and health.
All I was left alone with, was a withered body and a medical summary that said “There is no cure. You will have to live with the illness.”
I couldn’t possibly bear the pain that I was experiencing. To say that I was devastated, would be an understatement!
I couldn’t for the life of me, fathom how to live with an illness that’s considered as the 6th most painful, in the world, much above cancer.
What happened then was a series of mental and physical abuse. A trauma that totally worsened my condition to a point that I had to literally crawl in order to reach the bathroom.
I am still not well. I think in it’s definitive way, I am worse today. But with all the emotional and physical pain, it was indeed me who walked along the path day after day for 5 long years.
The path that was every bit painful as it was helpless.
The path that demanded strength, resilience, will power and perseverance.
The thorny path, made even more difficult with anxiety and depression.
The path, that once felt so impossible to walk down through.
Despite being vocal about my illness and mental health, despite literally putting parts of my life here on this space for you to read, I still feel restless, when I think about the most difficult parts of my journey, the memories that still traumatize me;
I don’t feel ready to talk about it yet but I will, sooner or later, in my book.
It’s true that certain things take time to heal and I am going to wait for the healing to occur.
Nevertheless, the truth remains that I live inside a body that hurts everywhere, always. How I do that, I don’t really know myself, but why I do is because life is worth it.
“When your why is clear, you can deal with almost any how”, Victor E Frankl said.
It’s almost 2 am now, it’s been raining outside, thundering and lightning. Another of many triggers of a pain flareup. I don’t think I can go on writing, my fingers ache so bad, my legs are stiff, my head pounding.
I only wish that whoever reads this gets the encouragement to go on, no matter what.
For remember, life is what you make it!
Strength and Love 💙
Pain causes insomnia, this blog was written in one of such painful, sleepless nights.
I speak about my illness not to gain any sympathy neither to advertise myself. I do it to educate and to encourage people to become sensitive towards invisible illnesses.
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Have a brilliant & beautiful day people!