“Have you taken your medicines?”
“Yes, Maa I did.” (Wiping my tears)
“Didn’t help any bit?”
“Has it helped ever?” 😣
“You already know that none of those 30 different medications tried upon me have worked in reducing the pain by any amount, why do you still ask?”
Unusual pause on the other line.
“I am sorry beta, what can we do? I wish I could take your pain away but sadly I can’t.”
My voice is choking because of crying.
I don’t speak anything for a while, she doesn’t speak too.
I manage to bid bye in a feeble voice before hanging up on her.
I haven’t slept all night yesterday.
Why, you ask?
Because just before the start of a menstrual cycle, body undergoes hormonal changes and apparently this chemical change is one of the many causes of increased flare up in Fibromyalgia.
Took away my sleep, gave me even more pain than usual, gave me the regular cramps that girls feel on periods added to chronic headaches, nausea, loss of coordination and a feeling of lacs of pins and needles in my body to a point that it feels like death!
Everytime the flare-up occurs I feel I won’t be able to survive, even though it’s been 5 years of the repeated pain experience. It hurts exactly like it did when it first occurred.
My roomie tried a new stretching exercise today and maybe the wrong technique induced pain in her back. She was writhing in pain, telling me how much it hurts.
Then suddenly she remembered Fibromyalgia and me!
“I am just experiencing localized temporary pain and I feel so bad. You experience it everywhere in your body all the time and that too of much more intensity than this. Aditi, it must be so hard.” she said.
I gave her a compassionate nod and turned to the other side of bed. Pressing my head with one hand and beating over my thigh muscles repeatedly to avoid experiencing the sharp shooting pain that’s there since morning from top of my head to the bottom of my toes.
IT IS FUCKING HARD TO NOT ONLY LIVE THIS WAY BUT TO TRY AND NOT LET ANY SIGNS OF THIS STRUGGLE APPEAR ON OUR FACES.
If looks could show how it feels like to be in a body cursed with Fibromyalgia, I would look like a horrible woman with tear stains all over, head like a bird nest. (That’s partly why I got rid of my long beautiful hair, it used to hurt even while combing them!!)
I wish our bodies were like garments, we could get in and out of them as per our comfort levels. But then we can’t and I feel imprisoned in my own body all the time. The jailor is cruel and punishes me daily without telling me why!
Mercy is all I ask for, suffering is all I get in return!
Buried deep in my hostel bed, surrounded by numerous massage oils, gels, balms for headache relief, dozens of sleeping pills and some newly prescribed fancy medications;
I am crying.
I don’t know how I will get through the turbulence of life.
But I know I will!
I read and I write a lot these days. Pretty much all I do. It feels like a path of solace to me. I raise awareness about diseases through the tiny window of opportunities available to me.
I don’t know if pain will ever leave my side. I don’t know if I will be able to fulfill my dreams of making the world a better place to live or not. I don’t even know if I will survive this for long.
But as long as I am here, with all the strength in my bone and blood. I will not let Fibromyalgia win, that’s all I know and that’s all I am here to prove.
Life no matter how hard it gets can never make you kneel down and give up!
There is sunshine at the end of the tunnel afterall, all I have to do is hold on and keep on keeping on.
Strength and Love.
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Take care you beautiful people. 😘