R.I.P to the Foodie in me!

Don’t compare your life to others. There is no comparison between the sun and the moon, they shine when it’s their time. 🌄
~Unknown

Amongst many things dear to me that Fibro has snatched away from my life, the latest one is my love for food!

You heard it right, although I am suffering from the disorder for last 5 years, food was something I used to find my happiness in. My recent treatment options and medications have caused me loss of appetite.

I can’t believe myself when I feel like throwing up at the sight of any food item, however tempting to me in the past. I am hardly able to eat a few bites of any meal before I feel like my stomach is churning with pain and discomfort.

It’s really very hard to believe and harder even to accept sometimes.

Whatever I am taught in the pain management sessions feels so inadequate in front of what I actually have to deal with in real life.

I still remember how I used to think, even if fibro has made it very hard for me to complete my studies and do a full time job like everyone else, I could always choose a job which involves traveling extensively, because it was one of my favorite things to do in life.

But whoosh, it was not long before I found myself in a pain flare-up after every train journey and there went my aspirations of traveling too.

I don’t know what to make of all that’s happening, first studies, then traveling, then food, don’t know what’s next.

Fibromyalgia is a progressive disease that causes musculoskeletal pain of a very high order, it causes 100+ other symptoms like fatigue, stiffness, restless legs, migraine, tinnitus, twitching, insomnia, giddiness, loss of appetite, loss of libido, sensitivity to light and noise, nerve pain, brain fog etc.

There was a time when I was this young, ambitious topper of every college and school I went to. Right from my childhood I was that kind of kid who could be found with her books almost all the time.

And just one fine day, not long before, with the onset of pain symptoms I found out that I am diagnosed not with any disease in the world but with a disease that is one of most painful ones in the world.

A disease that is rare, incurable, invisible and progressive. That means it’s symptoms and intensity keeps on increasing with time no matter what you do.

Despite being strong, despite having fought countless painful nights when I felt death was standing right in front of me to take me away.

Despite all the struggle that I have underwent to prove to my friends and family that it indeed was a real disease and I wasn’t faking it afterall.

Despite various doctors that I have reached out to, medicines that I have so religiously had, tabs, websites and bookmarks on my laptop that promise a possible line of treatment that can help get my life back on track, despite the innumerable brain storming sessions with my therapist on how to change my perspective about life now that I have pain and now that I know it will never go away;

It still breaks my heart to see how far I have come from the perfect life that was about to live. How long has it been that I have been telling myself that it will all be okay, how many days have I experienced pain and felt, I wasn’t going to survive the day.

Sometimes the negativity in my head makes me question the point of my existence. I get so many texts on my YouTube channel and Insta handles of people who are undergoing a similar struggle with pain. I so wish I could do something for each one of their pain and mine!

I have given so many examinations in my life and excelled at each one of them. I still remember the perfect score I got in my 12th CBSE Boards examination, a 99/100 in Maths and Chemistry each, 95/100 in Physics.

I still remember how I was the only girl in my class full of 64 boys in mechanical engineering.

I still remember how I loved physics and chose mechanical only because it was the closest branch to learning physics.

And how can I forget how I used to aim for an MS abroad and study physics as much as I wanted to?

I still remember how I got EX grades in all courses of Physics and Maths in the first year of college, right before the disease crept it’s way into my life.

So many things have changed in so little time. My life turned upside down and there is no way to turn it back to the way it used to be, I am afraid.

Living with Fibromyalgia is the hardest examinations that there is in life. JEE, Boards, Olympiads are all cakewalks in front of this. I prepare every day and it never fails to knock me down!

I have failed in the race of life, I feel I don’t have anything to give to the world. I feel I will have to walk with the support of a cane somewhere down the line very soon, seeing how my symptoms are worsening.

I guess life has a way of breaking everything down before you can re-emerge, with that thought in mind I am going on with the tiny bits and pieces.

Footnote

My doctors at NIMHANS BENGALURU, told me a month back that there is nothing more left to try from their side, they admitted that nothing was able to help me and I will have to carry on this way forever.

There are still many more options that I can keep trying in a hope that it will help. They are all very expensive methods of treatment but since I am only 24 and my whole life is waiting to be lived, I can’t really give up yet.

Aromatherapy, Supplements, Relaxation Oil Massages, Tai Chi, Acupuncture are some of the things that I am going to be doing in the near future, they are all very expensive and that’s why I wasn’t able to try them yet but now that everything else is exhausted, I have no option but to keep trying.

If you want to support my treatment expenses, feel free to do so from the ‘Buy me a Coffee’ button down below. I shall be really obliged for the help.

Life doesn’t require that we be the best, only that we try the best.

That’s my mantra for life.

Reading your comments is the best part of writing everything down for you, do leave a comment below for me.

My heart goes out to each one of you, who is reading this. May God bless you!

Take care you beautiful people. 💜💜

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