The fault in our’selves’.

“How are you doing, Aditi?”

The doctor asked while sliding all the other files away and bringing a little yellow file closer to him for inspection.

“I am fine.”

I found myself saying almost in a reflex.

“Really, are you fine?”

The doctor was now looking straight at me, eagerly waiting for a correct answer this time. He knew I was lying, he knew I wasn’t fine.

“I am devastated, I am losing a part of myself with each passing day. I no more have the energy to carry on the struggle alone. Nothing that I do helps me, I don’t want to live anymore.”

I wanted to tell him that, but ended up keeping my mouth shut.

The doctor paused for a second and then continued with a bit of resentment in his voice,

“As much as we would like you to get better and be functional, none of the standard treatment options are working on you. We are clueless of what to do in your case anymore.”

‘Functional’, that’s the word they use to describe me in my good days.

I was now looking down at the brown paint that was peeling off from one of the legs of the table in his cabin. I quickly blinked back tears, made an attempt to straighten my ever painful body and I was now facing him.

“LDN, Supplements, Latent infections, Hormonal Imbalances, Gut health. I read about them being efficient in a book written by the director of National Fibromyalgia Association in the U.S. Can we work in that line?”

I cleared my throat and asked him.

He said he wasn’t sure and that if I want to, I can try by myself or with the help of other doctors, it doesn’t fall under his area of expertise.

“Sure”, I said and made my way out of his cabin, wincing in both emotional and physical pain.

If only he knew how tired I had become of following up with doctors and treatment and medications that never helped me in any manner.

If only he knew that I was a 24 year old, trapped in an 80 year old body.

Before I could realise, Fibromyalgia had snatched me of my physical abilities, my financial freedom, my career and most importantly my will to live.

Throughout my struggle with a disease that’s rarely known, I kept telling myself that I am much stronger than this monster. I kept believing that one day I will conquer this pain that had secretly crawled into my life.

I kept writing, inspiring and fighting never for once thinking about what it had internally been doing to me.

Before I realized, the monster had successfully meddled with my mental health.

Anxiety, depression, feelings of worthlessness and inability to deal with any kind of stress. That’s what it’s done to me.

That’s why you don’t see any more motivational post from me.

I battle with suicidal thoughts every night. I bury my face into the pillow to drown out my voice and cry until I can no longer!

Pay close attention and you will see the tears, I clicked a picture on one of the incidences.

I take my phone out once in a while, think of reaching out to someone who can help me through this but I can’t think of anyone.

2200+ Facebook friends, but not one whom I can think of who is compassionate enough to listen and help without judging me.

And what kind of help would they offer anyway?

I put my phone back, close my eyes, picture myself going to the balcony, looking down, jumping from there.

It’s 4th floor, the road is empty, I am bound to get injured but what if I survive?

That question alone haunts me. My life is already miserable with all my limbs intact.

What if I am dependent on somebody 24*7. What kind of a life would that be? Will I get a second chance to kill myself?

I struggle with these thoughts all night , my head starts pounding.

I can think no longer. I get up, drink a glass of water, sit and cry some more…

______________________

What you just read is a true story, it’s my own story of how I live with pain and suffer inside my own head daily.

It’s also a story of one out of every four people in the world who suffer from mental health disorders.

Yes, it’s that common and yet unfortunately we are this ignorant.

What we as an individual can do is a vast topic, I am sure you can come across many articles that will tell you all about it.

What strikes me the most is that when someone asks us how we are doing, why are we taught to only reply that we are fine?

Why is it not okay to just speak up what’s really going on in your life?

As far as I can see, every person is struggling through something in their life, some problem that’s troubling them.

How beautiful it would have been, if we could all just blurt out our problems in reply to, ‘How you are doing’?

Wouldn’t then mental health be more accepted in general?

I wish to see this change happen over time in our homes, workplaces, public gatherings and everywhere else possible.

Truth is ‘We are not fine’.

Let’s accept that, embrace that and tell others it’s okay to be in a rough spot.

If mental health is the cost of reckless acquiring of money, fandom and success;

We rather opt for happiness, satisfaction, togetherness over everything else.

Life is too precious to lose over being in a madless competitive rat race.

We need to pace ourselves and stop to take care of those in our lives who are important to us.

Share your thoughts in the comment section below, and if you think this blog post was useful go ahead, share it and make the world a bit more beautiful. 🙏

Strength and Love 🌷🌷

Footnote

From my experience, these are some things you can do to help those who seem to be sad or off most of the times.

  1. Being non judgemental.
  2. Urging them to open up about their problems by making sure they can trust you.
  3. Listening without forcing your thoughts on them
  4. Being gentle & kind
  5. Helping, without making them realise you are doing it.

You can help me by contributing towards my medical expenses through ‘Buy me a Coffee’ button below or through other UPI options mentioned.

You can follow me and my journey by following Calm Insights on various social media handles.

Have a beautiful day people. ❤️❤️

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