The ‘realisation’ that struck me like lightning

Hey beautiful people!

Up, down, near, far, high, low, wherever you are I express my deepest gratitude for your presence in my life and I wish for you to understand and accept the beautiful life each one of you is blessed with.

So, this blog is yet another self learnt wisdom at a lonely hour of midnight while struggling with bouts of anxiety, and depression due to my life circumstances.

People, I am not sure whether you are going to relate with what I am going to share today, but nevertheless I feel it’s very important that I let this out in the Universe and let you decide.

For those who are reading my blog for the first time, I am Aditi;

A chronic pain survivor, a blogger, a book lover and a tiny little creature in the beautiful world.

Here is the thing.

While suffering from a rare, incurable, chronic pain disorder for last 5 years, I have also been suffering with mental disorders such as anxiety and depression which are a side effect of having any life situation that one doesn’t usually ask for.

Alongwith medication, I have been taking cognitive behavioral therapy at NIMHANS, Bengaluru for about one and a half years now and in the process I have evolved dramatically. I have learnt to look at a body that ALWAYS aches and that has no power to fight back the hideous pain it experiences, with kindness & compassion.

Techniques of Mindfulness, Emotional Regulators, Acceptance, Moderation, Cognitive Correction etc. were taught over the period of time which will remain with me forever and help me live a much better life.

BUT.

There also was a technique called Body Scan Meditation or Guided Meditation that I was taught and made to practise under supervision for a very long time. And trust me when I say that this particular technique was the most magical of them all.

Whenever I was actually able to achieve the deep silent state of mind during the sessions with my therapist, I had felt the most light bodied and light headed and calm in my entire lifetime until now.

Indeed, I sometimes couldn’t believe what I was experiencing.

And it truly makes sense as to why thousands of organisations across the world are working with people on just two most basic things in life: Meditation and Mindfulness.

Be it Isha Foundation, Art of Living, ISKCON, SGI, Budhhist Monasteries, all of them have been working on the same principle for centuries and look, the irony is that the largest fraction of us have still not been able to even experience the tranquility, let alone practising it and bringing balance and peace in our lives.

We are done with the theory part, allow me to tell you what the realisation was and how exactly did I stumble upon it.

So what actually happened was that, I was asked to practice this form of meditation for atleast a couple of minutes each day, but everytime I reported back to my therapist, I found myself searching for vague reasons as to why I haven’t been able to practise the very thing that was supposed to make me feel better.

Over a period of time, I gave her very convincing but untrue reasons for my failure at meditation such as pain, noise, uncomfortable environment, not enough time….

You know what I mean.

So last Saturday when I met my therapist, I told her that my Pain Specialist had asked me to restart therapy and do body scan meditation regularly again. To this, she replied that we have done it under supervision enough number of times and in order to begin it again I will have to put efforts from my side and practise it at home, by myself first.

That was it.

As self motivated as I am, I promised to myself that I am going to start doing it, because I had felt the heavenly feeling and deep down, I knew this was bound to make me feel better.

“But why did I fail to do it again this week?” was the question I felt myself unable to find an answer for..

Since this morning, I have been experiencing panic attacks, because I know that tomorrow at my follow-up session, I am going to have to answer to that inevitable question that I don’t know the answer for.

Or wait, do I know?

We are going to rewind at a time, about 6 months earlier, and this is what happened then!

It was one of the sleepless, high order of pain kind of nights, where I was completely restless, the clock had just struck 3 am and there wasn’t a single creature in sight, with whom I could talk to about my pain, depression and loneliness.

So I kept tossing & turning, filling my mouth with a handful of potato chips & sweet wafers stopping only to wipe my tears, at that ghostly hour when half the world was sound asleep.

Between all this mess that I was living in, I suddenly realised something.

In a blink of a second I realised that I am trying to run away from myself.

I was trying to run away from the horrible, uncomfortable feeling it is, to be left all alone with nothing/noone else.

In that very moment, I realised that, not just me, but everyone out there is trying to keep themselves away from facing nothing but their own selves.

That’s why every one of us is continuously trying to keep ourselves distracted by planning a trip, watching television, posting unreal statuses on social media, going to parties that we hate, dating people we don’t love, doing a job we dislike, clinging to food, environment and places that aren’t healthy for us, why?

Because we are scared to death of being left all alone. So much so that we never want to sit and face the darkness within, ever. This is the reason why I or anyone else have not been able to practise meditation and feel the essence of it.

I know, I have been talking for a very long time, I don’t even know how many of you are still there reading it but give me a chance to explain the reason why we tend to be running away from ourselves.

Ever heard the story where the gods were deciding where to hide the ultimate power so that it shouldn’t be accessible to human beings so easily?

This is what happened up there!

Someone suggested that, it be hidden in the core of Earth, some advised space, others very firmly thought it must be buried deep inside oceans.

“But weren’t all of them ultimately achievable?” someone commented.

And you know what they did?

They went on and hid it inside our own bodies. So that a wise and intelligent human being will think of his own body as the last place where the ultimate supreme power could be hidden.

Yes, silly, that is why we are running away from ourselves, because that is exactly where the power is hidden and we are so afraid to face it.

Frankly speaking, I am anxious still while I am writing this but I know the only goal I am going to set myself for is not to travel, not to read but to find the beauty hidden in myself through Meditation and Mindfulness.

Blessed be us. 🌼

Strength and Love 💜💙❤️

FOOTNOTE

I have been reading many books on Mindfulness and Meditation.

Few of them you can pick to read are:

1. Fear by Thich Nhat Hanh

2. The art of purring by David Mitchie

3. Mind full to Mindful by Om Swami

I have even practiced for some time and so if you are a beginner you can always contact me through FB/Insta/Twitter handle of Calm Insights for suggestions and motivation.

To those who are already practicing, I would love to stay connected and get help to imbibe the habit in me.

And lastly, if you liked the blog, you can go ahead and buy me a coffee through the yellow button down below to support what I do.

A share of the blog on your social media handles would be great too. 🌻

Follow me, that is Calm Insights on various social media handles to stay close and be a part of my family.

See you soon. 🤗

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