Hey you beautiful people!
While the year 2018 is coming to a fast end, we all kind of want to introspect in order to gain a fresh perspective and an even fresh outlook for the brand new year ahead!
I remember I first learnt this word, ‘Introspection’ basically from our English textbook of 12th standard NCERT in a poem called ‘Keeping Quiet’ by Pablo Neruda.
It goes like this…
Now we will count to twelve
and we will all keep still
for once on the face of the earth,
let’s not speak in any language;
let’s stop for a second,
and not move our arms so much.
It would be an exotic moment
without rush, without engines;
we would all be together
in a sudden strangeness.
Fishermen in the cold sea
would not harm whales
and the man gathering salt
would not look at his hurt hands.
Those who prepare green wars,
wars with gas, wars with fire,
victories with no survivors,
would put on clean clothes
and walk about with their brothers
in the shade, doing nothing.
What I want should not be confused
with total inactivity.
Life is what it is about;
I want no truck with death.
If we were not so single-minded
about keeping our lives moving,
and for once could do nothing,
perhaps a huge silence
might interrupt this sadness
of never understanding ourselves
and of threatening ourselves with death.
Perhaps the earth can teach us
as when everything seems dead
and later proves to be alive.
Now I’ll count up to twelve
and you keep quiet and I will go.
You know what, I don’t even feel like talking anything now, for the beauty of the message hidden in the poem might get corrupt!
Keeping quiet, taking some time out to just be there in the moment and appreciate the life’s beautiful gifts which we nearly often forget to feel grateful for.
The warm breeze brushing off your face, ugly or beautiful both the same.
The clear blue sky, the infinite water waves, the few people without whom our lives would have never been possible, the roof under which we live and that which keeps us warm and safe no matter how good or bad you have been.
There are countless many things, that are just there and are a crucial part of our lives but we never care to spare a minute to be thankful for them.
I don’t know if I m sounding very poetic or dumb but I feel amazing at the thought of this wonderful life that we have been blessed with.
Life is undoubtedly a cluster of mess, but it’s still so beautiful, the mess!
Remember those tiny little things that made your life better in the most mysterious ways. Do you know where do they come from?
I believe they come from our own best intentions. If we let good and positive vibes out, we always get them in return.
We are all kind of setting new goals for the upcoming year while reviewing how much have we actually accomplished in the year 2018!
Having said that, I hope you understand how crucial our own time zones are, some of us live like a failure all our life only to reach the pinnacle of success in the end, remember KFC’s story?
Some of us for example me, have been over achievers right from kindergarten only to meet with a tragedy in our 20s where we are forced to slow down and take care of our health.
So, the whole idea of time zone is to stop comparing because everyone’s circumstances are different and what we as an individual must do is keep trying in our own possible ways!
The year 2018 for me started with my decision to visit a hospital primarily meant for neurological diseases ie NIMHANS.
I had read a book by Preety Shenoy called ‘Life is what you make it’. It was a story of a girl suffering from bipolar disorder and how she conquers it with the help of an amazing team at this very same hospital and you won’t believe that’s how I first came to know about it.
After researching a little bit, I made that decision and it came out, it was one of the best decisions of my life. Fibromyalgia the disease with which I suffer isn’t very well understood, my doctors there are trying a holistic approach of treatment which consists of Talk therapy and yoga together with medication.
I haven’t healed yet because it’s not very well understood but the best part is that unlike all the other doctors I have seen in India, those at Nimhans actually listen to what I have to say.
So that decision again came with so many kinds of struggle, I had to raise funds for my treatment alone, I had to undergo the pressure of an year at college, yet again going in vain. I had to be answerable to family and friends as to what am I really doing with my life. That happens because if you look at me, you can’t really tell if I suffer with anything at all. Fibromyalgia is an invisible illness.
Alongside my treatment, I taught a bunch of kids back in Gwalior, MP as a part of a non profit organization.
My story of struggle and strength was chosen to be featured by the Indian Women Blog. You can read it here!
I went on a 15 day trip with my parents to Nepal where I had loads of fun.
But hey don’t get an idea that everything else went alright too. Soon after I came back to attend my 5th semester at college, my pain levels had shot up, a medicine that was supposed to help in pain relief had caused drastic weight gain, which I am yet carrying btw.
The meds kept on changing with no relief and I hit a rock bottom of my health conditions in around September when I had to give up both on meds and on college temporarily.
My days from last 4 months have only been of crying in pain day and night. Inability to walk let alone travel or do anything else.
Dying but not dead, that has been my status for as long as I can remember.
It’s sad at the age of 23, when you have to almost give up and remain clueless because your body stops supporting you. I have developed deep dark circles around my eyes from crying and having to stay awake all night in pain. In fact there came a point when I wanted to just die and end the terrible pain for once.
Me who writes only about staying positive through difficulties wrote a blog titled, ‘God, I wanna die‘. Such were the sufferings.
But then as they say, if you are reluctant not to give in to your circumstances, you will win the battle sooner or later, invisible sources of help will come to your rescue. And this time for me, it were books.
Books proved to be amazing distractions to me!
I read a lot and I even started reviewing them on the blog here with overwhelming response from you guys.
And now I am going back to Bangalore in order to restart my treatment, as I feel I have taken some very much needed rest and am mentally ready to fight again with the cruel monstrous disease with the help of the amazing support system of my family, friends and doctors in Bangalore.
I know it won’t be easy, knowing that I am all by myself.
But I am ready to start the year with lots of positive energy to look in the face of the deadly disease and do all that I can to win the battle against it.
I know it won’t be easy even for you to achieve all that you want to, but one thing at a time, you are gonna make it too.
Wish you loads of strength for the amazing year that’s to come.
See you on the other side.
Happy new year 2019! 🎉🎉
Buy me a coffee from the yellow button down below if you find strength in my posts, I will use it to keep the hope alive by trying rest of the treatment options.
Comment below and let me know of how you felt about this long long post.
See you soon people!
Love Love 😍